In This Very Room

Mom came and woke me up at 4:30 this morning. She was concerned about Dad. His breathing has been very labored and his oxygen saturations are low. She said she might be crying wolf, but she wanted me to call all my brothers and sisters.

Everyone came today. Robert, Earl and Aunt Dena drove up from St. George and everyone else has been here since 5:00 this morning. Uncle Tim came with his family, and also Aunt Belva, Uncle Pete, Kuya Danny and Ate Letty. We were all here and we were all surrounding Dad all day.

We watched old family videos for about 12 hours straight and have been laughing and crying a lot.

Dad was able to focus on us for a few seconds at a time but other than that has been resting. As of right now, he is sleeping soundly. His oxygen levels are still low but his breathing seems to have improved a bit and Mom and Aunt Dena are staying by his bedside to keep an eye on him.

It has been a very long and emotional day but it has been so great to have everyone together. There is a lot of love in this little room.

"In this very room, there's quite enough love for all of us; and in this very room, there's quite enough joy for all of us; and there's quite enough hope and quite enough power to chase away any gloom. For Jesus, Lord Jesus is in this very room."

Together Forever

I've been watching a lot of old home movies. I've been spending the last couple of days converting the VHS tapes to DVD. This morning I came across footage I had never seen before. It was December 9, 1990. We were all at the airport early in the morning wearing heavy coats and solemn expressions. Dad was getting ready to deploy to Saudi Arabia for six months.

It was a somber occassion. We walked with Dad through the airport; April with her arm around Dad and I had my arm around Mom. We sat in the terminal together not saying much but just together. Then it came time for Dad to board the plane. He hugged my grandma whose husband had passed away earlier that year, then little Paul, who was about to turn eight, stood on a chair to give him a big bear hug. Next he lifted me to give me a hug and kiss. He embraced each of his children in turn, giving us kisses, offering last minute words of counsel and farewell and very occassionaly wiping a loose tear that would escape despite his best efforts to stay strong. Then it was Mom's turn. They embraced for several long minutes, kissing and hugging and not wanting to part. All of us children (except Earl who was on his mission) were there watching and not saying a word as Mom and Dad prolonged the departure as long as possible.

And then he got on the plane and we all watched out the window silently as the plane took off.

As I watched this video with tears streaming down my face, I couldn't help but see the correlation between then and now. We all unwillingly prepare to say farewell, giving him as many embraces and kisses as we can, telling him how much he is loved, all the while prolonging that moment of departure as aggressively as possible.

I think about how hard it was for us to say goodbye for those long months he spent overseas. Dad missed Christmas and Paul's baptism, a few birthdays and taking Earl to the airport bound for Guatemala.

I was only a young girl but I can remember when Dad came home. I can still remember all the yellow ribbons and American flags that Mom hung in the yard. I can remember the Christmas tree decorated in red, white and blue and how we celebrated Christmas in July that year.

I'm sure there's a video I've yet to find of us greeting Dad at the airport when he returned. I can imagine the jubilation and celebrating that would be heard as he walked out of the gate to the screams of delight of his family. I'm certain we would see many tears of joy and endless hugs and kisses, and hear lots of laughter and story telling. The joy of his return far outweighing the ache of his departure.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not ready to say goodbye to my daddy. I do not want to have to give him that final embrace and I will gladly put it off for as long as possible, BUT I do know that there will come a day--it might feel like eternities until then as his misses Christmases and birthdays--but the day will come when we will be reunited. When the joyous celebration of our reunion will far outweigh the heartache and pain of his departure.

I belong to an eternal family. Tied together forever by the sealing power of the priesthood of Jesus Christ. It is thanks to Him that we are given the gift of Eternal Life. It is by coming to know and have faith in Him that we can receive confirmation for ourselves that this is possible. I have received that confirmation and I know it to be true. And I know my Dad knows it. Families are forever and we will be together again.

By the way, after sleeping for about two days straight, he woke up this morning and told me he loved me. He lifted his arm to give me a hug and was strong enough to keep me pinned to his chest when I tried to pull away :) I asked him how he is doing and he whispered, "I'm not complaining." He is not yet ready to say goodbye either.

And Men Are, That They Might Have Joy

It's so nice having Earl here. His family just moved to St. George but he still works in SLC so he stays here from Monday through Thursday. He has been taking Dad for walks every evening as the sun goes down. Dad is able to get fresh air, enjoy the beautiful sunsets, the gorgeous Utah mountains and the South Jordan Temple that is lit up at night. And we enjoy walking and talking together as a family.Mom's sweet friends Teena and Emma brought her some Filipino food for lunch the other day. The lunch menu included squid, fish heads, salmon and some other things that Mom really enjoyed (I'll have to take her word for it.) Salamat ladies!

Thanks to modern technology I have been able to connect with my family in Hawaii over the internet. Marley had her first hula performance and gave her first talk in primary and Cohen is now talking in sentences and jumping into the pool backwards. I am eternally grateful to my sister-in-law Alisha who flew to Hawaii to care for my children. I just know great blessings must be in store for her for her selfless service.

Dad's sweet nurses Mary Kay and Amy from the Huntsman Cancer Institute came to visit Dad yesterday. He stayed awake all day because he knew they were coming and didn't want to be asleep during their visit. He is no longer their patient yet they care about him so much they still want to check on him and tell him that they love him. We are so appreciative of such wonderful and compassionate people!

Dad is still resting most of the time. When he's awake I always ask him if he is happy. His answer is, "you bet!" He is happy. And so are we.

And after all, that's what really matters, right?

2 Ne 2:25 - "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy."

Love You Forever

A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him, she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

Dad has been resting a lot. He sleeps most of the time. Sometimes he tricks us when we think he is asleep and we're talking about him and he pipes in to correct something we've said. But most of the time, he is sleeping.

Yesterday morning Dad wanted to get up. Mom helped him sit on the edge of his bed; since he doesn't have much energy anymore she had to hold him up.

She reminded Dad of a story she read on Christmas day about fifteen years ago called Love You Forever. As she rocked Dad back and forth while she held him, she said, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, [forever and ever] my [sweetheart] you'll be."

I think each one of us children have had that heartwrenching moment where we realize that our big, strong dad who once picked us up and carried us with ease is now weak and fragile. Mike never thought he would cradle him in his arms and lift him like a child, April never imagined spoon feeding him ice cream, and I never realized a day would come where I'd have to say, "where do you think you're going?" because he is too weak to get out of bed.

But I know we're all happy to be able to serve him and help him in any way we can. Because it's our turn.

Well, that mother, she got older. She got older and older and older. One day she called up her son and said, "You'd better come see me because I'm very old and sick." So her son came to see her. When he came in the door she tried to sing the song. She sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always...

But she couldn't finish because she was too old and sick. The son went to his mother. He picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And he sang this song:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my Mommy you'll be.

Sleep

Dad is at Alta View hospital getting platelets. Last week when they weighed him he was 183 lbs. Today he was down to 172. He was sleeping peacefully when we went to visit him and he only woke briefly enough to say, "hi baby" when I was talking to him.

When Mike went to visit him a couple hours ago, he said that Mom and Dad were both asleep in Dad's hospital bed. They are the sweetest, most adorable couple. It's so endearing to see how much they love each other.

The good thing about them going to the hospital is that Mom actually gets some sleep. At home she happily empties his catheter, changes his linens, dispenses his medications which are many, and feeds him, gets him dressed, etc. She rests from time to time during the night but she never really sleeps. So I'm hoping that tonight she will sleep.

And I'm hoping that Dad will get enough sleep that he will feel recharged and be ready to come home tomorrow with some fresh new jokes and some strong hugs and that those sparkling blue eyes that I wish I had inherited will be wide open.

Over the Weekend

Friday night after everyone had gone to bed, Dad and I were still awake. I was able to get some precious one-on-one time with him.

I asked if he were strong enough to give me a hug and he said, "I always have enough strength for that!"

After a great big bear hug he said, "thanks for loving me so much." I told him it was pretty darn easy.

Since we didn't get a chance to have family prayers before everyone went to bed I asked Dad if he'd like to say them with me. He said he would and then asked me to please forgive him for not kneeling.

Robert arrived on Saturday afternoon and we were all so happy to see him. Especially Dad. After a long embrace Bob thanked Dad for holding on for him. Dad responded, "You are definitely worth sticking around for!"

Before Earl left for St. George he was able to take Dad for a ride in his Corvette. It was a struggle getting Dad into the car but after a long ride he returned to tell us it was well worth it!

On Saturday night Rhett and the boys came home with a new dog. Dad had been expressing a desire for a lap dog and he was happy to meet Shadow, the little Border Terrier, last night.

Dad has been very tired all day today. We've been trying to talk to him tonight but he is having a hard time responding to us right now. Mom is cuddled up next to him in his hospital bed and as always he is surrounded by people who love him.

I can only hope that one day when it's time for me to look back on my life, I will be surrounded by a family who loves and adores me. That my children will be there holding my hands and rubbing my feet. That the friends I've made along the way will check in to say hello and ask what they can do to help. And that when I tell tell them all thanks for loving me so much they will smile and say, "it's pretty darn easy."

Proven Warrior

Back in February of last year, we were told that Dad had a zero percent chance of surviving a spleenectomy. In November his cancer relapsed and he was given weeks to live. In March his chemo failed and we were told he had 3-4 weeks. A month ago the hospice doctor said that if Dad was alive in a month he would come over and shake his hand. Last Saturday we were told that he had anywhere from just a few hours to a day.

Despite what we have been told, Dad has miraculously managed to defy science by fighting and surviving.

Today Dad's sweet nurse pulled us aside to warn us that based on her experience and what she can observe, she doesn't think he has much longer. She doesn't want us to lose hope and she's not trying to "play God" by giving us a specific time, but she just wanted to make sure we weren't caught off guard if something should happen.

Well, I don't want to sound naively optimistic, but we have heard it before. It doesn't make it any easier, but we still have hope that somehow we can receive yet another miracle.

April asked Dad tonight if he wanted to keep fighting. He hasn't been able to say much today and he's been very tired but he responded to this question with an emphatic "YES!"

We know you'll keep fighting Dad. And we know that you can. After everything we've experienced over the last year and a half; and after all the courage, love, determination and fight you've demonstrated, you've proven yourself to be a true warrior.

A Good Day

Mom broke open a fortune cookie the other day. Her fortune read: When you have hope, you have everything

Today has been a great day. Dad woke up around 8:30 this morning in a wonderful mood. He said he felt like he had energy and he was enthusiastic and happy. Mom was telling him about some projects she wanted to do in the yard. She mentioned that maybe Earl could help her. Dad said, "I can help you." Mom smiled and said, "OK"; and then he followed it up with, "I'll be face down in the mud, but I can help you!"

After saying good morning to me, he asked what was on my agenda for the day. When I told him my only plans were to hang out with him he was so happy.

After a while he said he missed Karen. I called her and she was here in less than ten minutes. He was so happy to see her too.

Dad had all three of his daughters and his lovely wife all to himself for a little while this morning and he was loving it.

He was awake ALL DAY TODAY! He ate an entire strawberry shake, he had some pizza, fruit, and lots of Pepsi (of course). His sweet nurse Lisa came today and was very happy with how he is doing. She asked him about his pain on a rating of mild, moderate or severe and he said it was mild! Amazing!

When the boys got home from school they were happy to see Grandpa awake and offering hugs.

Mike and Paul came over after work. Dad was still awake! He listened as we talked about "things, life and whatnot" and chimed in from time to time.

As the sun was setting he swung his legs over the side of his bed and aimed to get up. We asked where he was going and he said, "to see the sunset!" So Mike helped him into his wheelchair and we went for a walk around the neighborhood. When we got back, Mike cradled Dad in his arms and put him back in his bed.

Earl arrived from St. George about an hour ago and Dad was STILL awake! He was so happy to see his namesake and stayed awake as we sat around his bed sharing stories.

Today was a good day. I understand that we will still have bad days but I love good days like this. It's the moments we share in days like today that we will treasure forever. And it's these moments that fill me with hope.

"Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning

Dad slept all day today. All day. He woke up momentarily for some medications and a few bites of food and he briefly opened one eye to look at me this afternoon but other than that, he slept and slept.

We talk to him while he's sleeping. We lay next to him, we give him hugs and kisses. Mom is always there by his side watching over him, making sure his oxygen is in correctly or wiping sweat off his brow.

But about an hour ago he woke up. It's these tender moments with him that we love so much. He jokes, he smiles, he laughs. He holds our hands, kisses and cuddles. It's moments like these that we will wait for all day.

Tonight his sweet Hailey (their first grandchild) was here by his side. He snuggled with her, kissed her and even tried to run his fingers through her hair. His fingers got stuck and we all laughed. So he offered to let Hailey run her fingers through his. Which she did. And we all laughed again.

We read scriptures together and then when it was time for family prayer we asked Dad who he would like to say it and he said he would.

Mom, Hailey, April and I were able to partake in the sweet spirit that was here as Dad said a humble prayer to our Heavenly Father tonight. Asking special blessings to be with those who are sick and those who need His comfort and offering sincere gratitude for the opportunity we have to be together with our family and those we love.

1 Nephi 1:20 - But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith...

Angels Among Us

We have been blessed with so many angels who have reached out to us. Some of you have been behind the scenes quietly serving our family, others have been here at Dad's side offering help and love. You have sent messages, called and visited. You may be far away offering prayers to heaven on our behalf. You may be near by holding our hands and generous with your love and service. Countless doctors, nurses, caregivers, ward members, family members, old friends, new friends and strangers. We want you to know how grateful we are to each and every one of you. But to each of you we offer our sincere gratitude, appreciation and love. You have been our angels.


(Click play to hear the song as you watch the slideshow)

***Please note that it would be impossible to include pictures of everyone. There have been numerous angels who are not pictured in the slideshow above. I hope each of you know who you are and know how loved and appreciated you are***

Hold your breath a little longer

Georgie is still small enough that he has babies breath. Every time I'm with him, I hold him close and smell him breathe. I don't want to miss that last time when he still smells like a baby.
I've been thinking about last breaths. The problem is, with all the breaths we take, how can we know which one will be last.
I keep holding my breath. I'm hoping that by holding mine, I can buy dad a few more.
I am also treasuring some breaths we have shared.
Like the time we all gasped, watching dad's axe juggling gone bad.
Inhaling yellow cake, and then savoring the fudge frosting.
I remember exhaling "Whoaaaa", while watching dad hit a softball that went sailing on forever, and chasing it across the alfalfa field with every kid in the neighborhood.



I could never catch my breath hiking with dad across little mountain and up to the Grimm's house.
Dad could have had a second job as a storm siren.
A short breath, pursed lips and two pinkies to the tongue, and every kid in Tooele county knew it was 5:15, and time to come home.
Dad's yawns literally shake the house.
Dad, you may not have known but what you did with your precious breath taught me a lot of what I needed to know. You sigh whenever you hear swearing. You never swear. In traffic you called everyone your buddy.
If you disapproved of something, you elongate the last syllable of our name. If you wanted us to come to you, you held the first syllable a little longer.
When we watched "The Gods must be crazy" Mom had to rub your chest make you breathe because you laughed so hard.
You laughed as if laughter was a song. In fact you could harmonize laughter. For instance, in a Charger. You would hit the gas, the car would hum deep, you would laugh low, Earl would giggle high, and the rest of us would belly laugh the parts in between.


My love of all things baby came from you. I can think of a hundred infants whom you held close, and rocked with your big barrel chest. It rises like ocean waves as you breathe.
You'll forgive me if I might miss the last breath, but I have many others that fill the place.
I wasn't there physically when you knelt across the alter from your sweetheart and gently whispered, "yes". With that you enabled our family to be an eternal unit. Many breaths since have affirmed you commitment, reinforced your love, and likely guaranteed that sealing could remain.
Hold your breath a little longer and buy me a few extra. I'll listen for your whistle and I'll be home soon.



I may not be a smart man, but I do know what INI IBIG KITA means

When mom and I worked at the sewing factory, I would turn around and mouth the words "I love you", she came up to my machine once and said "I love you too, Robert"
I replied, "I didn't say I love you, I said 'Olive juice'".
Mom retold the story at my mission farewell. In her version, my reply was" I didn't say I love you, I said 'Grape juice'".
Mom is known for her many talents and her boundless energy. Most people know is gifted with languages and is a dynamic public speaker.
At times she may get a little lost in translation,but she is fluent in expressing love and kindness.
One of her greatest gifts is that it doesn't matter what people say to her, the message she receives is that they love her. Even if that is not what people intend. She gives them the benefit of the doubt. No matter what they are saying, what language, what tone, she believes they are coming from a place of love. She doesn't think that because she is naive or dumb. . . She thinks it because that is how she thinks of others.
You know the primary song that says, "Jesus said love everyone treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love, others will love you."? Love is what fills her heart. There is no guile, nothing petty. if she knows you, she brags about you, if she brags about you, she loves you.

She is a great mediator too. If we fought, if we were frustrated, if we could not look each other in the eyes, she took the middle and made sure the final message in a fight was that she loved us, and we could love each other. She has an ability to help others hear lovingly, the way she does. There were times I would hear my dad elongate syllables in my moms name. I wondered if she was ever frustrated with that, but she didn't hear what I did. She heard "I love you" and responded in kind.
She doesn't get angry. There was an incident with wooden spoons, and Earl's butt, and the spoon breaking, but 1. Earl deserved it-2. Earl likes to get hit - and 3. They were both laughing.
With all the love she dishes out, does she have enough love left to be in love? Can she love one person above all? She can and she does! She is head over heels for dad. She loves the guy. There is no doubt about it. It would be hard not to understand when she says it and shows it constantly.
There is something she should know too.
Mom, read my lips,"katas ng ubas".

Precious Pictures

Here is just a tiny sampling of our impromptu photo shoot yesterday. A great, big, HUGE thank you to our sweet Sara for capturing these moments so perfectly. If you are in the Utah area and need a fabulous photographer, I would highly recommend her. She's amazing; as you can see.

www.saraboulterphotography.com

Dad and his boys (minus Earl and Bob)
Daddy's Daughters

Dad and 3 of his 10 siblings

Handsome Dad

Sara, we just can't thank you enough for these priceless treasures. We love you so much. We will always treasure this gift. THANK YOU!